...that's what it's been about for the past couple of days! Why would anyone want to read a self-indulgent stream of thoughts and feelings of someone obviously in dire need of counselling or happy pills or frankly a good hard slap round the chops?!
I didn't want this blog to become a whine-a thon..hence the brief abandonment and neglect. It seems so ridiculous, pathetic and dramatic now..the picture above, the wandering through the park trying ferociously hard not to cry, wanting to punch every happy go lucky face that smiled at me yesterday.
I can write about it now and smile in despair. Today is such a different day...no dark thoughts..no analysing and questioning of subjects which have gone round and round so many times I'm sure there may be a groove in my brain! I really cannot express enough what a bad day yesterday was!
I tried to distract myself and eventually came round in the late afternoon..and that's what it's like, like coming round from being under general anaesthetic! You wake up and can almost pass for something like a normal human being...and that was yesterday.
The plus sides of life:
Last night I cooked beef bourgignion, well , that did involve a packet of colmans but I did use shallots, carrots, mushrooms and red wine! So it did require some effort and it was actually very satisfying to cook..more than it was to eat infact. Earlier in the day I managed to buy most of my daughters presents for her birthday next month and then also managed to relax watching a film without feeling the need to check facebook every five minutes...definitely progress...I'm consciously reducing my time spent on facebook and have deleted all life consuming, life-wasting games...
Today..
I dropped Richard off to work after we took the kids to school. It was really nice for both of us to do that. Tom was so happy to wave to daddy as he went in, he always manages to pull at my heartstrings with everything he does. I wonder if it will ever stop.
There's a big retail park next to where Richard works so I pulled in there for a couple of hours and had myself some retail therapy..bought myself a new haircolour, who knows what it will look like, it's purple or plum or something like that but new season, new change! Jeggings..because the ones currently laying on the bedroom floor have a baggy crutch and almost threadbare inner thighs! A cardigan, yes...so rock n roll, but the bare necessities of an autumn/winter wardrobe. It is slightly sad I suppose that it's the exact replica of last seasons cardigan but I loved it and like the jeggings, it also looks well loved...bobbly, out of shape and with several buttons having gone missing in action!
I left for home without everything I had intended to buy but in the great scheme of things, it's no biggie. I can look forward to an upcoming shopping trip on Saturday..
Tonight...
...after school we all get to go for a family outing to the dentist! Hooray! I love the dentist as much as most people so I think enough said already on that subject!
And even later...I'm collecting one of the members of my group and taking them to an opportunities evening which is meant to wow them into leaping into the role of becoming a consultant, just as I did 18 months ago! I'm selfishly hoping she considers it, it will mean she'll be able go into my group on my leaving and I can leave with a clear conscience knowing that the members will be left with someone they trust and like! I just hope she really considers everything that goes with the role, the reasons for which I am leaving but the choices and information are there....whatever happens I'll be left feeling guilty for something...I always am.
It's lunchtime...and it's time for a cup of coffee....who knows what tomorrow will bring...peace of mind please if nothing else..because todays like today are good days...and days like yesterday are soul destroying.........
For Mel B....xxxxx
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