...5am....

No..it doesn't matter how much I squeeze my eyes shut, I AM awake! I can't really rant about insomnia alone, that would imply that it is the only problem...I'm sure the 2 litres of fluid I consumed during yesterday plays it's part! Detox indeed..so far as not eating my own bodyweight in junk it was a success but I still feel guilty..which leads me on to the next problem.
As much as I hate to acknowledge it's presence again, depression has it's grip on me, again at a time when to the outside world everything looks fine and dandy and it is...on the outside!
At the beginning of this week, life was great, so what changed?!

 Well, I made a big decision to leave my role as a Slimming World consultant based on a growing lack of passion I have for the role which has been increasing over time, causing all sorts of unwanted feelings. Resentment being the biggest, no-one likes to feel like they are just going through the motions because they have to do something.Well in my case I realised I didn't have to..so quitting seemed like the best option! Ofcourse that means there will be a void which I plan to fill but there will be an interim period of having nothing to focus on outside of the family home! Also leaving a role like this is difficult because I have built up relationships, people who trust me and believe in me so a nice helping of guilt served up to myself for that one!

Then, there's the weather!It's cold! It's getting to that time of year when I need to put on my coat just to enter the garage. I hate the cold! I don't hate the look of autumn and winter, I've some very nice photos of these seasons, but they don't keep me warm and they don't stop the long dark days setting in which in turn brings bad memories and dark thoughts...
And finally..the biggest change? A wedding, finally booked and a time to be excited you might think...and it is and I feel again nothing but guilt for emotions other than excitement that are creeping in. I don't want to say anymore about that really..apart from the fact that this has nothing to do with thoughts that it shouldn't be happening. On the contrary, I am very very sure it should!

There are ofcourse upsides to having insomnia, I can only get through it with trying to treat it like more 'me time!' I can do whatever I like most of the time but whilst everyone is in dreamland, it's guiltfree time. I'm tired..oh the irony...but that's insomnia....