Clearing out the cobwebs!

You know when you start something and then wish you hadn't?! Yes, that's where I'm at now..or rather, I wish I hadn't sat down because now I won't get up and the job I started won't get finished. I blame Richard! He's got me hunting down somewhere to go eat for Christmas Day, you think that would be an easy-ish task! Anyway, the job I started has got me covered in dust and cobwebs, great look for the school run! I'm cleaning out the spare room, getting rid of books that have sat gathering dust for the last 4 and a half years. I'm finding items of memorabilia along the way...old concert tickets, train tickets...who knows what I'll find when I tackle the second shelf of books. ..I shouldn't be wasting time on here...what am I doing?!!!! Onwards and dustwards...........

...blog off.....

...that's what it's been about for the past couple of days! Why would anyone want to read a self-indulgent stream of thoughts and feelings of someone obviously in dire need of counselling or happy pills or frankly a good hard slap round the chops?!

I didn't want this blog to become a whine-a thon..hence the brief abandonment and neglect. It seems so ridiculous, pathetic and dramatic now..the picture above, the wandering through the park trying ferociously hard not to cry, wanting to punch every happy go lucky face that smiled at me yesterday.

I can write about it now and smile in despair. Today is such a different day...no dark thoughts..no analysing and questioning of subjects which have gone round and round so many times I'm sure there may be a groove in my brain! I really cannot express enough what a bad day yesterday was!

I tried to distract myself and eventually came round in the late afternoon..and that's what it's like, like coming round from being under general anaesthetic! You wake up and can almost pass for something like a normal human being...and that was yesterday.

The plus sides of life:

Last night I cooked beef bourgignion, well , that did involve a packet of colmans but I did use shallots, carrots, mushrooms and red wine! So it did require some effort and it was actually very satisfying to cook..more than it was to eat infact. Earlier in the day I managed to buy most of my daughters presents for her birthday next month and then also managed to relax watching a film without feeling the need to check facebook every five minutes...definitely progress...I'm consciously reducing my time spent on facebook and have deleted all life consuming, life-wasting games...

Today..

I dropped Richard off to work after we took the kids to school. It was really nice for both of us to do that. Tom was so happy to wave to daddy as he went in, he always manages to pull at my heartstrings with everything he does. I wonder if it will ever stop.

 There's a big retail park next to where Richard works so I pulled in there for a couple of hours and  had myself some retail therapy..bought myself a new haircolour, who knows what it will look like, it's purple or plum or something like that but new season, new change! Jeggings..because the ones currently laying on the bedroom floor have a baggy crutch and almost threadbare inner thighs! A cardigan, yes...so rock n roll, but the bare necessities of an autumn/winter wardrobe. It is slightly sad I suppose that it's the exact replica of last seasons cardigan but I loved it and like the jeggings, it also looks well loved...bobbly, out of shape and with several buttons having gone missing in action!

I left for home without everything I had intended to buy but in the great scheme of things, it's no biggie. I can look forward to an upcoming shopping trip on Saturday..

Tonight...

...after school we all get to go for a family outing to the dentist! Hooray! I love the dentist as much as most people so I think enough said already on that subject!

And even later...I'm collecting one of the members of my group and taking them to an opportunities evening which is meant to wow them into leaping into the role of becoming a consultant, just as I did 18 months ago! I'm selfishly hoping she considers it, it will mean she'll be able go into my group on my leaving and I can leave with a clear conscience knowing that the members will be left with someone they trust and like! I just hope she really considers everything that goes with the role, the reasons for which I am leaving but the choices and information are there....whatever happens I'll be left feeling guilty for something...I always am.

It's lunchtime...and it's time for a cup of coffee....who knows what tomorrow will bring...peace of mind please if nothing else..because todays like today are good days...and days like yesterday are soul destroying.........

For Mel B....xxxxx

Mother Nature...

Well, what better to do with the time between coffee and lunch?! Particularly when trying to avoid anything that requires any effort!
I am not just being lazy..today mother nature is being a total bitch! My first period in 2 months and I don't exaggerate when I say at times I would rather be in labour..at least there's something positive at the end of it!
I am being allowed though, kindly, a couple of full nights sleep so..swings and roundabouts I guess!
If I didn't need to get the kids to school or run my group tonight it would be a complete PJ/Duvet day.
So..apart from whinging about the downsides of being female what else can I fill this post with...

Well, I've been on the lookout for opening doors since my decision last week (my god it's already been a week) to give up my current role and I have came across a new opportunity today which I hadn't been aware of.
One of the mums I speak to at the school gates is a volunteer for the Red Cross and was talking about the kind of things she does to help. Currently she is making up kits for wounded soldiers out in Afghanistan. She also spoke of other areas she helps in and it sounded right up my street. I immediately got home all fired up and ready to apply when I found myself getting a bit stressed out about my ability, more emotionally than anything else to cope...but then it's evident I don't have to throw myself right into the deep end and volunteer to help with rapid response aid or anything so involving emotionally. So I'm now thinking care in the community, in particular help following hospital procedures, spending a couple of hours per week bringing a little happiness to someone who has returned home from hospital and helping towards rehabilitating them back to being independent, helping with shopping, a bit of cooking, making a cuppa! I can do that...can't I?
Anyway..it's food for thought and I'm pleased to be finding various things out there that do interest me and also that feel right!

It's group tonight and it's one of those days where I feel like I'll have very little to say but I always seem to find words. My members are supposed to do most of the talking but often my natural instinct to try and help means I end up doing most of it!! I have just 12 groups left to run which will take me up to Christmas week and then in the new year I go full into whatever new ventures I decide to take on! :)

Swampfire!!

WOW!! First Batman a couple of weeks ago and today much to the delight of 2 kids, in particular one 4 year old boy , Ben 10 Monster Trucks! Above is a picture of one of the trucks which raced noisily around Birmingham Arena today mounting and launching off of already crushed cars..I have to admit, Swampfire was my favourite alongside the very impressive Humungosaur! If you are thinking what the hell is this chick on about you probably don't have kids because at some point in a little boys  life..he will be obsessed with Ben 10 and just as you celebrate waving goodbye to the CBeebies channel, you will be fighting to view anything other than the cartoon network!
Richard took some fantastic pictures today of all the trucks and the stunt bikes which made us gasp and hold our breath on numerous ocassions! I'll have to post some when they are transferred.

 It's been quite a tiring day, I did manage to catch a few more zzzz's after my previous post this morning so that has helped and it's been a happy day. I even declined eating out and found the energy to cook a roast dinner when we returned home and after a minor panic attempting to remove 'temporary' Ben 10 tattoos from the faces of our kids, we are now relaxing, satisfied, and calm!
All, I can smell is dewberry perfume oil which is what eventually got rid of Ben 10 and his friends. It's quite funny really!
And so to retire to bed with my book...or something else that doesn't require effort or using my brain!!
Goodnight bloggers...I'm hopeful of a good week ahead :)

...5am....

No..it doesn't matter how much I squeeze my eyes shut, I AM awake! I can't really rant about insomnia alone, that would imply that it is the only problem...I'm sure the 2 litres of fluid I consumed during yesterday plays it's part! Detox indeed..so far as not eating my own bodyweight in junk it was a success but I still feel guilty..which leads me on to the next problem.
As much as I hate to acknowledge it's presence again, depression has it's grip on me, again at a time when to the outside world everything looks fine and dandy and it is...on the outside!
At the beginning of this week, life was great, so what changed?!

 Well, I made a big decision to leave my role as a Slimming World consultant based on a growing lack of passion I have for the role which has been increasing over time, causing all sorts of unwanted feelings. Resentment being the biggest, no-one likes to feel like they are just going through the motions because they have to do something.Well in my case I realised I didn't have to..so quitting seemed like the best option! Ofcourse that means there will be a void which I plan to fill but there will be an interim period of having nothing to focus on outside of the family home! Also leaving a role like this is difficult because I have built up relationships, people who trust me and believe in me so a nice helping of guilt served up to myself for that one!

Then, there's the weather!It's cold! It's getting to that time of year when I need to put on my coat just to enter the garage. I hate the cold! I don't hate the look of autumn and winter, I've some very nice photos of these seasons, but they don't keep me warm and they don't stop the long dark days setting in which in turn brings bad memories and dark thoughts...
And finally..the biggest change? A wedding, finally booked and a time to be excited you might think...and it is and I feel again nothing but guilt for emotions other than excitement that are creeping in. I don't want to say anymore about that really..apart from the fact that this has nothing to do with thoughts that it shouldn't be happening. On the contrary, I am very very sure it should!

There are ofcourse upsides to having insomnia, I can only get through it with trying to treat it like more 'me time!' I can do whatever I like most of the time but whilst everyone is in dreamland, it's guiltfree time. I'm tired..oh the irony...but that's insomnia....

Bon Voyage!

Bon Voyage!  Unfortunately no, I have not just boarded this gorgeous cruise ship. My mum however is setting sail as we speak and I am definitely 100% jealous as hell!!

I am spending this Saturday in the laziest of ways..surfing the web..listening to and watching the rain as it lashes down on the conservatory, and thanking god for the wii and Mario Kart! Actually, I lie, I'm not thanking god, I'm thanking my good fortune to be able to afford luxuries like the wii..PS3 etc...I don't believe in any god! So my kids are sorted, apart from a minor crying episode from my youngest who is learning that sometimes winning isn't everything!

So...it's coffee 'o' clock...the detox is obviously going well(rolls eyes sarcastically) but however I am not completely disgusted with my substance intake so far today..oh dear..here are the tears again..

Detox!

Morning world!


I've just spent a good five minutes deciding which colour font to use to continue blogging and then realised it's not the colour that really impacts but the content! Given I have no idea yet quite why I'm doing this it doesn't seem to matter either way!
So..I have woken up again feeling like utter crap. The way I'm abusing my body, feeding it a constant stream of utter rubbish is just not an option anymore so as the title suggests...it's detox day!
Quite how you go about a detox of the mind, body and soul is a little out of my zone but I'm going to start with the logical approach of drinking a shit-load of water!
That's about the size of the plan so far...suggestions may not all be welcome but considered!


What's on the biological menu is not only what's on my mind this morning but given the relative early hour on this Saturday morning I'll save that for when my brain is fully awake...Kefalos seems a long way off and I could be a whole new person by then...let's see what a year actually brings to the life table...